


waiting all night

by biochemprincess



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of PTSD, Mentions of medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 19:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3622014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>late night conversations in the lab reveal more than expected. [post 2x14]</p>
            </blockquote>





	waiting all night

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted them to talk to each other, so here's a little continuation. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think of it. :)

Damnit, she knows she'd seen them somewhere in the lab, but she can't remember where to save her life.

Jemma lets out a deep sigh of frustration and tries to control her breathing. It couldn't be this hard to find a bottle of pills.

Yet she's out of luck.

The lights in the lab are dimmed, as she doesn't want to draw attention to herself, if somebody walked by unknowingly. Though it also makes it harder to find what she's searching for.

What she's doing is probably stupid, but she desperately needs a night of uninterrupted sleep, needs to shut down properly - and drug induced rest seems like the only alternative to her right now.

Her conversation with Fitz earlier had drained out the last of her strength - she feels as if somebody had pulled the plug from a sink, everything had just vanished from her body. It's always like this - they dance around each other until they collide, and then they burn and burn and burn. They are nothing but ash anymore.

She finds the pills in the far back corner of a drawer.

"Jemma?" The bottle falls out of her hands. "What are you doing there?"

Times slows down, until they exist in a vacuum. She is very aware of how it looks like. She considers telling a lie for a second, but it feels wrong. Currently their secrets have secrets and she doesn't want to add something to the pile.

"I'm trying to sleep." Jemma tries to keep her voice even, but she fails miserably.

"In the lab?"

"I was looking for sleeping pills. I want to sleep. That's all." She's raising her walls, keeping a necessary distance. Jemma wants him to go away and leave her alone. She wants him to stay with her and be her best friend again.

"Do you need help?" It takes her a moment to realized what he is offering to her. Jemma had been thinking more and more on getting professional help, especially after Andrew has been here.

Because the panic attacks never fade and her tears don't dry off, before new ones replace them. Because her nights are sleepless and the few hours she gets are filled with nightmares.

But she can accept it from him, not right now.

"No, I don't. Thank you."

Fitz doesn't look at her face as he turns around to walk away. She wants to shout at him for being a coward, but she isn't any better. She has no courage left.

So she remains silent.

"You were the one who left."

Mostly silent.

She seriously can't believe they are here once again, always running around in circles, never finding the same page. It exhausts her, having the same conversation all over, being accused once again..

"Yes, I did. And I told you I am sorry ---"

"You didn't."

"I did, and if you'd just let me talk for once and listen, maybe you'd realize. How can you accuse me of not supporting your change, when you can't understand that I've changed too?"

He looks up at her, his eyes blown wide with shock. "I do understand that." He sounds almost offended. Fitz walks over from his spot in the doorway until he standing right in front of her.

"No you don't. It may come as a surprise to you, but I've been in the medpod too."

"I know." He hisses through clenched teeth. "I remember."

"Well you certainly don't act like it."

It's a low blow - she knows - but Jemma needs him to face her side of the story. She needs him to understand how much she's hurting, too.

"Do you really think I want to rely on sleeping pills so I can get three or four hours of rest? I don't. But it's the only choice I have left."

He doesn't say anything, staring at her motionless, but he is finally listening and she is finally able to get it all out.

"If I could fix myself, Fitz, I would. But I can't. I'll never be the same I've been before and you'll have to accept it. I can't change the past and I can't change the person I've become. And you'll have to learn to live that. You all have to."

There's nothing left to say anymore. Her anger had taken up so much space inside her and now that it's gone, she's collapsing like a dying star.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I just feel so angry all the time."

"I know. Me too. But you can't take out your anger me. I'm not your punching bag." She puts her hand on his. "We can't continue like this."

"I know. What should we do?"

Jemma has no idea. They didn't cover this kind of situation during their training. And she's so tired of sacrificing her whole life and her relationships to a never-ending war.

"We'll figure it out. Somehow." Because they will. They have to. This is her silver lining, the fact that they always found a way to fix things.

He scatches his nape with the hand that isn't covered by hers. "I like to think so."

"But not now." They both answer in unison and it feels so much like old times, tears well up in her eyes. 

"I'll go to bed."

"Yeah, me too. Should we, ugh, talk tomorrow? We could drink some tea or so."

She smiles and it almost reaches her eyes. "I'd like that."

Fitz nods to himself, forcing a smile on his face as well. They leave the lab in silent agreement, with the promise of a better tomorrow and a bottle of sleeping pills.

Jemma watches him as Fitz as he walks down the corridor and into his bunk, letting out a breath of relief when the door closes behind him. She's tense like a bowstring around him, but it's getting better. They'll have tea tomorrow, she thinks. She gets herself a glass of water from the kitchen and swallows one of the sleeping pills.

3am isn't a good time to make important decisions and she needs her mind unclouded and well rested, before talking about all the things that hurt them. They'll have tomorrow. 

Now the chemical in her bloodstream will do it's intended job. Now she will sleep and not wake up drowned in tears. And for now, it's okay.


End file.
